The reluctantly triumphant return and subsequent cancellation of The O.C.: Oakland County Berkley Sty-lee!
The last time we heard anything from Berkley Stylee was nearly a year and a half ago, so the "previouslies" have been skipped in the interest of expediency.
(BTW, Those interested can read all those previous episodes by clicking here.)
Except there was this one bit of previouly on The O.C.: Oakland County Berkley Sty-lee, whereupon there was a continuing non-appearance of Hot Blondes, hot redheads, or even hot brunettes.
And now back to the show...
Network Executive: Frankly, we'd forgotten that we still were producing episodes of your show. Bob was supposed to cancel it, but I think he had that heart attack right before he came to see you. Other Bob should have done it, but he ate 3 dozen Jello shots and passed out. So really, the only reason we're airing your show at all is that we ran out of any other programming, and we don't have the rights for Everybody Loves Raymond reruns.
Me: Yeah, I kind of wondered. Seems like I never could find where my show was on the schedule. I just kind of thought my TiVo™-like DVR was acting up.
Network Executive: Yeah, well sorry about that. So seeing as how The O.C. has ended, we're thinking that your show's popularity has had a similar decline. Do you have any juicy storylines? Sweeps just ended, so we sort of blew our wad with all the various pregnancies, drug overdoses, murders, births, lesbian affairs, beastiality and basket-weaving plots.
Me: Well, we had this poker game the other night.
Network Executive: Naw, they just did that the other night on Desperate Housewives. Really, what could Ian have had in his hand that would beat Mike's full house?
Me: Well, there was also Hot Pot. Austin, Beckie and I went to his parent's house for Chinese New Year. There was bowing and stuff.
Network Executive: That's great. The promo guys can put ads on that say "The O.C.: Oakland County Berkley Stylee returns. More Hot! More Pot!"
Me: That's completely missleading.
Network Executive: Kid, that's the just how it works. Now lets see if we can make a sow ear into a glass of spilt milk.
Me: Holy mixed metaphors!
Stay tuned for the possibility of more episodes of The O.C.: Oakland County Berkley Stylee where there may be additional silliness, occasional zaniness and possibly more hot lesbian action. But probably not.
Showing posts with label Berkley Stylee. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Berkley Stylee. Show all posts
Monday, March 05, 2007
Thursday, June 16, 2005
Berkley Sty-lee
The O.C: Oakland County Berkley Sty-lee
We now return from our regularly unscheduled hiatus-type thingy.
Producer: How are we going to do the show with our star injured?
Network Exec #1: Eh, just replace him and have a guest host. Or have a trippy dream sequence.
Writer: We could totally use the Vicodin prescription for comedy gold!
[Wanders off muttering something about “redheads”]
Producer: So who do you propose we get to guest star?
Network Exec #2: How about Greg Evigan? He hasn’t done anything since My Two Dads.
Producer: I think Patrick Duffy is looking for work also.
NE #1: No, those guys still cost too much. Hmm. Belushi’s dead and Michael Gross is doing all those Lifetime movies.
NE #2: Which Belushi are you talking about? The actual dead one or the one whose career is dead?
NE #1: The actual dead one. What about Brian Doyle Murray?
Producer: I think that just might work. With sexy results!
I walk into the meeting then.
Me: So what’s up?
NE #2: We’ve decided that we’re going to have Brian Doyle Murray take over your role until you’re healed.
Me: Really? Is he just going to be doing my stunts for me? ‘Cause I can totally handle everything but the stunts.
NE #1: Sure. We’ll let you know when the stunt double needs to take over.
The Next Day.
I am laying on my couch, having just taken a Vicodin for my arm pain.
Me: This stuff makes me so sleepy… maybe I’ll just take a nap… zzzzzz.
We now enter my dreamworld. Sitting on fluffy tie-dyed pillows are Alyson Hannigan, Alicia Witt, Robin Tunney,, Julianne Moore and Gillian Anderson.
Me: Awesome. Redheads!
Alyson Hannigan: What’s my name!
Me: [jokingly] Didn’t you use that line in American Pie?
AH: [angrier] Say my name, Bitch!
Me: [scared but turned on]Alyson!
Julianne Moore: I’m in the F.B.I.
Gillian Anderson: So am I.
Robin Tunney: By the power of three times three…
Me: Is this going anywhere?
Alicia Witt: Yes, it is. We’re all going make out with you, and have our way with you.
Me: These are some good drugs.
The ladies start to kiss me and grope all over.
Director: Cut! Bring in the stunt double!
Me: What?!!
Director: You’re injured. You can’t do these scenes so Brian Doyle Murray will be your stunt double during the most sexy parts. You’d be in great peril.
Me: I can handle the peril!
Director: No, you can’t. It’s much too perilous.
Me: Bet you’re gay.
I then have to move out of the way and Brian Doyle Murray takes my place.
Me: This sucks.
Join us next time when Chloe may or may not reappear and decide that my broken arm was the result of meteor rocks.
We now return from our regularly unscheduled hiatus-type thingy.
Producer: How are we going to do the show with our star injured?
Network Exec #1: Eh, just replace him and have a guest host. Or have a trippy dream sequence.
Writer: We could totally use the Vicodin prescription for comedy gold!
[Wanders off muttering something about “redheads”]
Producer: So who do you propose we get to guest star?
Network Exec #2: How about Greg Evigan? He hasn’t done anything since My Two Dads.
Producer: I think Patrick Duffy is looking for work also.
NE #1: No, those guys still cost too much. Hmm. Belushi’s dead and Michael Gross is doing all those Lifetime movies.
NE #2: Which Belushi are you talking about? The actual dead one or the one whose career is dead?
NE #1: The actual dead one. What about Brian Doyle Murray?
Producer: I think that just might work. With sexy results!
I walk into the meeting then.
Me: So what’s up?
NE #2: We’ve decided that we’re going to have Brian Doyle Murray take over your role until you’re healed.
Me: Really? Is he just going to be doing my stunts for me? ‘Cause I can totally handle everything but the stunts.
NE #1: Sure. We’ll let you know when the stunt double needs to take over.
The Next Day.
I am laying on my couch, having just taken a Vicodin for my arm pain.
Me: This stuff makes me so sleepy… maybe I’ll just take a nap… zzzzzz.
We now enter my dreamworld. Sitting on fluffy tie-dyed pillows are Alyson Hannigan, Alicia Witt, Robin Tunney,, Julianne Moore and Gillian Anderson.
Me: Awesome. Redheads!
Alyson Hannigan: What’s my name!
Me: [jokingly] Didn’t you use that line in American Pie?
AH: [angrier] Say my name, Bitch!
Me: [scared but turned on]Alyson!
Julianne Moore: I’m in the F.B.I.
Gillian Anderson: So am I.
Robin Tunney: By the power of three times three…
Me: Is this going anywhere?
Alicia Witt: Yes, it is. We’re all going make out with you, and have our way with you.
Me: These are some good drugs.
The ladies start to kiss me and grope all over.
Director: Cut! Bring in the stunt double!
Me: What?!!
Director: You’re injured. You can’t do these scenes so Brian Doyle Murray will be your stunt double during the most sexy parts. You’d be in great peril.
Me: I can handle the peril!
Director: No, you can’t. It’s much too perilous.
Me: Bet you’re gay.
I then have to move out of the way and Brian Doyle Murray takes my place.
Me: This sucks.
Join us next time when Chloe may or may not reappear and decide that my broken arm was the result of meteor rocks.
Monday, May 16, 2005
Berkley Sty-lee
Back again to
The O.C.: Oakland County Berkley Sty-lee
I am cleaning up after my barbeque.
Me: Man, what happened last night? This place is a mess. Well, I better start cleaning up.
Chloe: Hey, so, you don’t remember what happened last night?
Me: Not really, I was kind of drunk last night, I mean, I have a vague idea of what happened, but I don’t remember exactly what happened.
Chloe: Could your memory have been erased by someone who had been affected by meteor rocks?
Me: No, I was just drunk last night. It has nothing to do with meteor rocks.
Chloe: Are you sure? There’s no secret that you should share with someone you trust?
Me: No, there’s no secret.
Chloe: Maybe you drank something with meteor rocks in it that would have affected your brain.
Me: No! For the last time, meteor rocks had nothing to do with it!
I step inside and close the door behind me. Chloe looks around perplexed.
Chloe: Wow. He’s fast. He must have some super-speed ability.
Me: [muffled by door] I’m inside. I came inside!
Chloe: I better go back to the Torch and see if Wall of Weird has anything about a Freak-of-the-week with meteor rock enhanced powers over memory.
Me: [muffled by door] Argghhhh! Why is the only Hot Blonde that shows up so annoying?
Hours later.
(Well, actually 2 days later, but it can be expressed as hours, so it’s like 30-some hours, but you know, hours.)
Austin and I go to the Comic-con (a.k.a. The Motor City Comic Convention). We wander around, and I buy several action figures. Then we are accosted by several dorks in costume, 2 Darth Vaders, a Wookie in a Storm Trooper uniform, Darth Maul dressed as Jar Jar Binks and Boba Fett in a Wookie suit.
Me: They’re not dolls! They’re “action figures”!
Dork dressed as Darth Vader #2: They’re dolls. Just admit it. You are such a girl.
Me: Whatever.
Boba Fett in a Wookie suit: Oh yeah? Just wait ‘til my mom getsth here. Sthe’ll sthet you sthraight.
Austin: Don’t even make me. I’ll drop atomic elbows over all of you!
Me: Yeah, what he says.
Darth Maul dressed as Jar Jar: Meesa think you like to play with dolls you do, uhmmm.
Me: Are you Jar Jar or are you Yoda, or what? I can’t even tell. And you guys think I’m a dork.
Wookie in Storm Trooper armor: Rooaarr! Cough, cough. Wheeze! Where’s my inhaler?
Me: Ok, well, you’ve forced my hand. *blink* I summon Joyce Dewitt.
Joyce Dewitt: Hey, I was already here at the Comic-con. You just had to ask me over.
Me: Oh. Sorry. So, are there any other Hot Blondes around?
Joyce: Well you just missed Catherine Bach and Priscilla Barnes.
Me: D’oh! Daisy Duke and Miss Ivana (of Mallrats)? Damn.
Dorks: [in unison] Joyce Dewitt!
Me: Yes, I have the power to summon her, and other Hot Blondes.
Dork dressed as Darth Vader #1: But you didn’t summon her. She just heard her name and wandered over.
Me: [Now ignoring the dorks] So, why aren’t you with Dan helping out with the corpses and such?
Joyce: Well, my agent had already booked me for this Con, so I figured I could use the money.
Me: Do you know there’s still people looking for nude pictures of you?
Joyce: Yes, and they should all be ashamed of themselves. [Looking skyward and waggling her finger in disapproval] Especially you, Carl.
Me: I see. So, do you think you could help me with my dork infestation?
Joyce: Sure, why not. [to the gathered dorks] This is not the nerd you want to bother.
Dorks: [in unison] This is not the nerd we want to bother.
Me: This is not the nerd we want to bother.
Me: [snapping out of trance] Wow, that’s an awesome Jedi mind trick you used there.
Joyce: I know. I used it on Mr. Furley all the time.
Join us next time for more non-exciting and geeky stuff that really doesn't make any sense on The O.C.: Oakland County Berkley Sty-lee!
The O.C.: Oakland County Berkley Sty-lee
I am cleaning up after my barbeque.
Me: Man, what happened last night? This place is a mess. Well, I better start cleaning up.
Chloe: Hey, so, you don’t remember what happened last night?
Me: Not really, I was kind of drunk last night, I mean, I have a vague idea of what happened, but I don’t remember exactly what happened.
Chloe: Could your memory have been erased by someone who had been affected by meteor rocks?
Me: No, I was just drunk last night. It has nothing to do with meteor rocks.
Chloe: Are you sure? There’s no secret that you should share with someone you trust?
Me: No, there’s no secret.
Chloe: Maybe you drank something with meteor rocks in it that would have affected your brain.
Me: No! For the last time, meteor rocks had nothing to do with it!
I step inside and close the door behind me. Chloe looks around perplexed.
Chloe: Wow. He’s fast. He must have some super-speed ability.
Me: [muffled by door] I’m inside. I came inside!
Chloe: I better go back to the Torch and see if Wall of Weird has anything about a Freak-of-the-week with meteor rock enhanced powers over memory.
Me: [muffled by door] Argghhhh! Why is the only Hot Blonde that shows up so annoying?
Hours later.
(Well, actually 2 days later, but it can be expressed as hours, so it’s like 30-some hours, but you know, hours.)
Austin and I go to the Comic-con (a.k.a. The Motor City Comic Convention). We wander around, and I buy several action figures. Then we are accosted by several dorks in costume, 2 Darth Vaders, a Wookie in a Storm Trooper uniform, Darth Maul dressed as Jar Jar Binks and Boba Fett in a Wookie suit.
Me: They’re not dolls! They’re “action figures”!
Dork dressed as Darth Vader #2: They’re dolls. Just admit it. You are such a girl.
Me: Whatever.
Boba Fett in a Wookie suit: Oh yeah? Just wait ‘til my mom getsth here. Sthe’ll sthet you sthraight.
Austin: Don’t even make me. I’ll drop atomic elbows over all of you!
Me: Yeah, what he says.
Darth Maul dressed as Jar Jar: Meesa think you like to play with dolls you do, uhmmm.
Me: Are you Jar Jar or are you Yoda, or what? I can’t even tell. And you guys think I’m a dork.
Wookie in Storm Trooper armor: Rooaarr! Cough, cough. Wheeze! Where’s my inhaler?
Me: Ok, well, you’ve forced my hand. *blink* I summon Joyce Dewitt.
Joyce Dewitt: Hey, I was already here at the Comic-con. You just had to ask me over.
Me: Oh. Sorry. So, are there any other Hot Blondes around?
Joyce: Well you just missed Catherine Bach and Priscilla Barnes.
Me: D’oh! Daisy Duke and Miss Ivana (of Mallrats)? Damn.
Dorks: [in unison] Joyce Dewitt!
Me: Yes, I have the power to summon her, and other Hot Blondes.
Dork dressed as Darth Vader #1: But you didn’t summon her. She just heard her name and wandered over.
Me: [Now ignoring the dorks] So, why aren’t you with Dan helping out with the corpses and such?
Joyce: Well, my agent had already booked me for this Con, so I figured I could use the money.
Me: Do you know there’s still people looking for nude pictures of you?
Joyce: Yes, and they should all be ashamed of themselves. [Looking skyward and waggling her finger in disapproval] Especially you, Carl.
Me: I see. So, do you think you could help me with my dork infestation?
Joyce: Sure, why not. [to the gathered dorks] This is not the nerd you want to bother.
Dorks: [in unison] This is not the nerd we want to bother.
Me: This is not the nerd we want to bother.
Me: [snapping out of trance] Wow, that’s an awesome Jedi mind trick you used there.
Joyce: I know. I used it on Mr. Furley all the time.
Join us next time for more non-exciting and geeky stuff that really doesn't make any sense on The O.C.: Oakland County Berkley Sty-lee!
Saturday, May 07, 2005
Berkley Sty-lee
By popular demand, (well not really, but it’s Sweeps again)
The Return of The O.C.: Oakland County Berkley Sty-lee
(Now with 70% more stunt-casting)
My power is out when I get home from work. I ask a neighbor what’s going on. I get a vague answer along with a vague promise from a vague DTE customer service representative that the power would possibly be back on by 11:00. This is interrupting my normal Wednesday television viewing. I am upset.
Me: (to no-one in particular) Well, geez, what am I going to do tonight? Lost, Alias and Smallville are all on tonight.
Chloe Sullivan: Well, you could think about the secrets that people sometimes have but they should really share with the people they trust, because those people are trustworthy and can handle keeping that secret even though anyone who knows this person, should have been able to figure what the secret is by the way that person acts.
Chloe takes a big breath. I stare at her and wonder what the hell she’s talking about. I also notice she is blonde and hot.
Me: What secret are you talking about? Wait. Scratch that. What are you doing here?
Chloe: I’m investigating the power outage. I think it may have something to do with meteor rocks.
Me: [Incredulously] Rea-lly? You think that? ‘Cause it could just be that there’s a blown transformer or something. Doesn’t that seem a lot more likely, Ocham’s Razor and all?
Chloe: Ocham you say? I’m going to have to go look him up. I bet he’s in bed with Lex Luthor.
Me: I can’t believe you delivered that line without a trace of irony. Hello?! Clark and Lex are totally gay for each other. Have you not seen them together?
Chloe: [Annoyed pinch-faced look] You’re weird. I’ve got to go see if meteor rocks could possibly be involved in this power outage. It’s in my contract.
Me: Whatever.
Chloe hops in her convertible and drives off. Out of the corner of my eye, I see a blonde walking back up.
Me: Chloe? I thought you left.
VMVO: What a dork. I thought that I'd be able to solve Lilly Kane's murder without talking to him, but he appears to be my only clue left.
Veronica Mars: Hey. Not Chloe. Get a clue. Ha! Get it! Anyway, I know your power is out, but I wanted to ask you a few questions about the night Lilly Kane was murdered.
Me:Um... (quietly to myself) finally, hot blondes, (slight wavering in voice) uh, I don't know, what do you want to know?
Veronica Mars: Were you with Lilly Kane when she was pulled over for speeding?
Me: Uh, I only talked to her when she was in a flashback. She didn't even make out with me.
VMVO: Whoa. TMI.
Veronica Mars: Ok. Well I hope you didn't mind me asking you. Here, do want this Slurpee?
VMVO: Hehe. I'm giving him a trip to the dentist.
Me:Gee, thanks.
Come back next time, when nothing that exciting happens, and nobody cares.
The Return of The O.C.: Oakland County Berkley Sty-lee
(Now with 70% more stunt-casting)
My power is out when I get home from work. I ask a neighbor what’s going on. I get a vague answer along with a vague promise from a vague DTE customer service representative that the power would possibly be back on by 11:00. This is interrupting my normal Wednesday television viewing. I am upset.
Me: (to no-one in particular) Well, geez, what am I going to do tonight? Lost, Alias and Smallville are all on tonight.
Chloe Sullivan: Well, you could think about the secrets that people sometimes have but they should really share with the people they trust, because those people are trustworthy and can handle keeping that secret even though anyone who knows this person, should have been able to figure what the secret is by the way that person acts.
Chloe takes a big breath. I stare at her and wonder what the hell she’s talking about. I also notice she is blonde and hot.
Me: What secret are you talking about? Wait. Scratch that. What are you doing here?
Chloe: I’m investigating the power outage. I think it may have something to do with meteor rocks.
Me: [Incredulously] Rea-lly? You think that? ‘Cause it could just be that there’s a blown transformer or something. Doesn’t that seem a lot more likely, Ocham’s Razor and all?
Chloe: Ocham you say? I’m going to have to go look him up. I bet he’s in bed with Lex Luthor.
Me: I can’t believe you delivered that line without a trace of irony. Hello?! Clark and Lex are totally gay for each other. Have you not seen them together?
Chloe: [Annoyed pinch-faced look] You’re weird. I’ve got to go see if meteor rocks could possibly be involved in this power outage. It’s in my contract.
Me: Whatever.
Chloe hops in her convertible and drives off. Out of the corner of my eye, I see a blonde walking back up.
Me: Chloe? I thought you left.
VMVO: What a dork. I thought that I'd be able to solve Lilly Kane's murder without talking to him, but he appears to be my only clue left.
Veronica Mars: Hey. Not Chloe. Get a clue. Ha! Get it! Anyway, I know your power is out, but I wanted to ask you a few questions about the night Lilly Kane was murdered.
Me:Um... (quietly to myself) finally, hot blondes, (slight wavering in voice) uh, I don't know, what do you want to know?
Veronica Mars: Were you with Lilly Kane when she was pulled over for speeding?
Me: Uh, I only talked to her when she was in a flashback. She didn't even make out with me.
VMVO: Whoa. TMI.
Veronica Mars: Ok. Well I hope you didn't mind me asking you. Here, do want this Slurpee?
VMVO: Hehe. I'm giving him a trip to the dentist.
Me:Gee, thanks.
Come back next time, when nothing that exciting happens, and nobody cares.
Thursday, April 21, 2005
Now With 50% Less Lesbians
The triumphant return of The O.C.: Oakland County Berkley-sty-lee
*Bumpa-dinkdink, bumpa-dinkdink*
Me: Where’s that music coming from?
Me: I see what looks like a studio audience in my front yard. Wait. Why am I narrating this? Shouldn’t there be like, a narrator to describe what’s going on for those who can’t see it.
Narrator/Announcer: Sorry. I was in the bathroom, and then I splashed water on my pants, and then in the process of drying my pants, there was a “thermal event” and yada, yada, yada, I’m going to have to go to Target after this to get new pants.
Me: Wow. That’s odd. That still doesn’t explain the live studio audience on my lawn. Ah! They’re crushing the hostas!
Narrator/Announcer: Little did Mike realize, but the Ellen Degeneres show was being filmed on his front lawn this morning.
Me: [Sarcastically] Well, thanks for telling me that.
N/A: No problem. [Lowering voice according to the National Code of Announcers and DJs] Now let’s welcome Ellen Degeneres!
Me: This is weird. I’ve never even watched the show, although Deadboy Dan has described it to me. Cool. There’s Ellen dancing. And she’s dancing with the crowd now. Hey! Narrator guy! Do your job!
N/A: [Distractedly] Oh, oops, sorry. Mike watched the spectacle unfold. Ellen then began to motion for Mike to come over to her.
Me: Me? [Pointing at myself]
N/A: Ellen continues to motion Mike over towards her. Mike halfheartedly dances over.
Me: Hey! That was more that halfhearted! Maybe three quarters.
N/A: The audience began to tire of the lack of plot/humor in this episode.
Me: Hey, I’m getting to it. Hi, Ellen. What are you doing here?
Ellen: Well, I know you wanted Portia de Rossi, but I’m going to have to do for “Hot Blondes” today.
Me: Wow, that’s crazy. I didn’t even know she was lesbian and that she was dating you until I heard about her getting that tattoo removed when I was listening to the radio this morning. Lesbians are cool.
Ellen: Thanks. I think they’re cool too. So you’ve never watched the show.
Me: Well, I’m always at work when it’s on…
Ellen: Don’t you have TiVo™?
Me: Well it’s not exactly TiVo™. It’s TiVo™ like… wow, that’s cool, Every time I say TiVo™ it puts that little TM symbol next to it.
Ellen: Of course. Do you think we want to get sued?
Me: Oh, that makes sense. What doesn’t make sense is why your whole show is on my lawn.
Ellen: Well, this way you get to see an episode.
Me: Ah. Alrighty then. Who’s the special guest?
Ellen: Sarah Michelle Gellar.
Me: *faints*
N/A: Mike woke up several hours later. The Ellen show was gone and his hostas and daffodils were severely trampled.
Me: What are you still doing here?
N/A: Mike glared sharply at the well appointed Narrator, who despite the fact that he wasn’t wearing pants, could still be called a snappy dresser.
Me: Go!
N/A: Mike should have been pleased that even though he was passed out, Sarah Michelle Gellar had still felt pity for him and kissed him on the cheek.
Me: Whooohooo!
N/A: Join us next week when more “Hot Blondes” do not show up!
Me: Bummer.
*Bumpa-dinkdink, bumpa-dinkdink*
Me: Where’s that music coming from?
Me: I see what looks like a studio audience in my front yard. Wait. Why am I narrating this? Shouldn’t there be like, a narrator to describe what’s going on for those who can’t see it.
Narrator/Announcer: Sorry. I was in the bathroom, and then I splashed water on my pants, and then in the process of drying my pants, there was a “thermal event” and yada, yada, yada, I’m going to have to go to Target after this to get new pants.
Me: Wow. That’s odd. That still doesn’t explain the live studio audience on my lawn. Ah! They’re crushing the hostas!
Narrator/Announcer: Little did Mike realize, but the Ellen Degeneres show was being filmed on his front lawn this morning.
Me: [Sarcastically] Well, thanks for telling me that.
N/A: No problem. [Lowering voice according to the National Code of Announcers and DJs] Now let’s welcome Ellen Degeneres!
Me: This is weird. I’ve never even watched the show, although Deadboy Dan has described it to me. Cool. There’s Ellen dancing. And she’s dancing with the crowd now. Hey! Narrator guy! Do your job!
N/A: [Distractedly] Oh, oops, sorry. Mike watched the spectacle unfold. Ellen then began to motion for Mike to come over to her.
Me: Me? [Pointing at myself]
N/A: Ellen continues to motion Mike over towards her. Mike halfheartedly dances over.
Me: Hey! That was more that halfhearted! Maybe three quarters.
N/A: The audience began to tire of the lack of plot/humor in this episode.
Me: Hey, I’m getting to it. Hi, Ellen. What are you doing here?
Ellen: Well, I know you wanted Portia de Rossi, but I’m going to have to do for “Hot Blondes” today.
Me: Wow, that’s crazy. I didn’t even know she was lesbian and that she was dating you until I heard about her getting that tattoo removed when I was listening to the radio this morning. Lesbians are cool.
Ellen: Thanks. I think they’re cool too. So you’ve never watched the show.
Me: Well, I’m always at work when it’s on…
Ellen: Don’t you have TiVo™?
Me: Well it’s not exactly TiVo™. It’s TiVo™ like… wow, that’s cool, Every time I say TiVo™ it puts that little TM symbol next to it.
Ellen: Of course. Do you think we want to get sued?
Me: Oh, that makes sense. What doesn’t make sense is why your whole show is on my lawn.
Ellen: Well, this way you get to see an episode.
Me: Ah. Alrighty then. Who’s the special guest?
Ellen: Sarah Michelle Gellar.
Me: *faints*
N/A: Mike woke up several hours later. The Ellen show was gone and his hostas and daffodils were severely trampled.
Me: What are you still doing here?
N/A: Mike glared sharply at the well appointed Narrator, who despite the fact that he wasn’t wearing pants, could still be called a snappy dresser.
Me: Go!
N/A: Mike should have been pleased that even though he was passed out, Sarah Michelle Gellar had still felt pity for him and kissed him on the cheek.
Me: Whooohooo!
N/A: Join us next week when more “Hot Blondes” do not show up!
Me: Bummer.
Wednesday, April 13, 2005
Berkley-sty-lee
And now the return of The O.C.: Oakland County Berkley-sty-lee.
Many days later.
Tina Fey: Lisa, I think since Sweeps is over we no longer need to be lesbians.
Lisa Loeb: I agree. Our lesbianism was purely a ratings ploy. Let’s get back to our husbands.
TF: Wait, let’s swap glasses and husbands.
LL: They’ll never know the difference.
TF: Awesome.
Me: Does this mean I can take off the wig?
TF: Yeah, I guess so. Let’s get out of here.
Tina Fey and Lisa Loeb exit after switching glasses.
I stand there, confused and lonely, and yet still strangely turned on. I finally get to lie in my own bed and fall asleep.
*Ding dong*
Me: Who’s knocking on the door at 2 in the morning?
I go to the front door, and upon opening it see Rachel Bilson and what looks like the corpse of Mischa Barton standing there.
Me: Summer! Marissa! From the hit Fox show, The O.C.!
I lean over to Rachel and whisper in her ear.
Me: Is Mischa dead? There’ve been a few re-animated corpses wandering around recently.
RB: [surprised] Oh, Coop? She’s not dead, she just doesn’t eat anything.
MB: Mmmmrrrphhh. *whine*
RB: Don’t worry, Coop. He won’t try to feed you.
Me: Is that really healthy?
RB: She’s fine. The corpse look is in this year. Right?
MB: Errrgghuuuhhhh. *pout*
Me: What- [long pause for effect] -ever. So, what are you doing here anyway?
RB: Mischa heard there was hot Sweeps lesbian action going on over here.
MB: [excitedly] Agggrrrrmmmhhhh!
Me: Oh, Tina and Lisa left a couple hours ago. Didn’t you know Sweeps was over?
MB: [dejectedly] Urggghhhhmmm. *pout*
Me: So, Rachel, I hear you’re into guys that like comic books? Do you want to see my collection? I have an issue of “The Dazzler” and a couple of graphic novels.
RB: Meh.
Me: Oh, OK. So, do either of you have a strange addiction to deep frying things?
RB: No. You, Coop?
MB: *shaking head almost imperceptibly* Mmmgghhuuuhh.
Me: Alrighty then. Do you want to come in for a bit?
RB: Nah, I think we’re gonna take off. We don’t have to do anything interesting until Sweeps again in May. So, basically, I think Mischa is going to take lots of painkillers and drink a couple of fifths of tequila, and I’m going to beat up on Adam Brody. Maybe I’ll try the lesbian thing in May. It’s the in thing to do. Maybe we can get Paris Hilton to guest star. She’s a huge slut.
Me: That’d be cool.
MB: Guuurgggghhhmmm! *whine*
RB: Alright, Coop. Let’s go.
Me: Bye!
Many days later.
Tina Fey: Lisa, I think since Sweeps is over we no longer need to be lesbians.
Lisa Loeb: I agree. Our lesbianism was purely a ratings ploy. Let’s get back to our husbands.
TF: Wait, let’s swap glasses and husbands.
LL: They’ll never know the difference.
TF: Awesome.
Me: Does this mean I can take off the wig?
TF: Yeah, I guess so. Let’s get out of here.
Tina Fey and Lisa Loeb exit after switching glasses.
I stand there, confused and lonely, and yet still strangely turned on. I finally get to lie in my own bed and fall asleep.
*Ding dong*
Me: Who’s knocking on the door at 2 in the morning?
I go to the front door, and upon opening it see Rachel Bilson and what looks like the corpse of Mischa Barton standing there.
Me: Summer! Marissa! From the hit Fox show, The O.C.!
I lean over to Rachel and whisper in her ear.
Me: Is Mischa dead? There’ve been a few re-animated corpses wandering around recently.
RB: [surprised] Oh, Coop? She’s not dead, she just doesn’t eat anything.
MB: Mmmmrrrphhh. *whine*
RB: Don’t worry, Coop. He won’t try to feed you.
Me: Is that really healthy?
RB: She’s fine. The corpse look is in this year. Right?
MB: Errrgghuuuhhhh. *pout*
Me: What- [long pause for effect] -ever. So, what are you doing here anyway?
RB: Mischa heard there was hot Sweeps lesbian action going on over here.
MB: [excitedly] Agggrrrrmmmhhhh!
Me: Oh, Tina and Lisa left a couple hours ago. Didn’t you know Sweeps was over?
MB: [dejectedly] Urggghhhhmmm. *pout*
Me: So, Rachel, I hear you’re into guys that like comic books? Do you want to see my collection? I have an issue of “The Dazzler” and a couple of graphic novels.
RB: Meh.
Me: Oh, OK. So, do either of you have a strange addiction to deep frying things?
RB: No. You, Coop?
MB: *shaking head almost imperceptibly* Mmmgghhuuuhh.
Me: Alrighty then. Do you want to come in for a bit?
RB: Nah, I think we’re gonna take off. We don’t have to do anything interesting until Sweeps again in May. So, basically, I think Mischa is going to take lots of painkillers and drink a couple of fifths of tequila, and I’m going to beat up on Adam Brody. Maybe I’ll try the lesbian thing in May. It’s the in thing to do. Maybe we can get Paris Hilton to guest star. She’s a huge slut.
Me: That’d be cool.
MB: Guuurgggghhhmmm! *whine*
RB: Alright, Coop. Let’s go.
Me: Bye!
Thursday, March 31, 2005
Spork!
Wow! Alias was awesome last night. Marshall rules! I was wondering when they were going to have another Marshall episode. It was also good to see Amanda Foreman (Marshall's wife). I always liked her on Felicity. Again, Spork!
I was reading on TVGal at Zap2It.com about how she doesn't have the love affair with Alias that she used to, that it's now more like they were lovers that became good friends. Well, let me tell you, last night's episode renewed the torrid love affair, if you can have such a thing with a non-physical object.
Lost also was really good. They still haven't really explained how Locke lost the use of his legs, but it does give a lot of tantalizing hints. There was also a few WTF moments, and of course Hurley gets in a bit of a dig at Sawyer. Hee-larious.
That is all the TV talking for now.
I will now summon my gang of hot women. I hope this goes better for me than for Dan. Damn Ryan and his summoning skillz. Aight!
*Poof*
Me: Hey! Where are the hot women?
Dustin Hoffman as Tootsie: Over here!
Me: Wha!? Who's that with you?
Tom Hanks and that other guy who was on Newhart but both when they were in "Bosom Buddies": Oh, it's us. All the really great American drag characters.
Cast of To Wong Foo: Yeah, we're awesomely gender-bending.
Me: Uh, this isn't what I imagined. I sure hope not.
Bugs Bunny in a dress: Say, what's up Doc?
Me: This is not babe-alicious.
Me: *bangs head against wall to knock myself out*
Later
Me: Lilly Kane? Laura Palmer?
LK & LP: Yes?
Me: Aren't you both dead?
LK: Yes, but I keep appearing in flashbacks. That's what this is.
Me: Dammit. Wait, but that means somehow, in the past, there were hot babes?
LP: Well, maybe, but maybe you actually killed us.
Me: I don't think I would kill hot babes.
LK: Well, we sure didn't kill ourselves. I mean, look at me, I'm young and hot.
LP: Besides, you are probably hallucinating this whole thing.
Me: Crap. I forgot.
Much later
Me: *Opens one eye slowly to scan room for either hot chicks or men in drag.*
Me: Whew. I'm alone. Well, that's not that much better.
The door opens. In walks Tina Fey and Lisa Loeb.
Me: *pointing at Tina Fey* Hey, you're Lisa Loeb!
Me: *pointing at Lisa Loeb* And you're Tina Fey!
LL: Oops. We must of somehow switched glasses in the dressing room. Here's yours.
Lisa and Tina swap glasses.
Me: Oh. Sorry, I totally was confused there for a minute.
TF: Eh, don't worry. It happens all the time. So, how about hot sex?
Me: Awesome.
LL: She meant just her and me. You can't join because you're not a hot brunette with cool glasses.
Me: Can I at least watch?
TF: I suppose. But at least put on this wig and these glasses.
Tina hands me a wig that looks like it's halfway between their haircuts and a pair of black horn rim glasses.
LL: That's better. Now let's get to it.
Me: But this isn't even my prescription! I can't see anything.
TF: Shut it! That's what we wanted.
Me: *squinting at Tina and Lisa* Awesome....
I was reading on TVGal at Zap2It.com about how she doesn't have the love affair with Alias that she used to, that it's now more like they were lovers that became good friends. Well, let me tell you, last night's episode renewed the torrid love affair, if you can have such a thing with a non-physical object.
Lost also was really good. They still haven't really explained how Locke lost the use of his legs, but it does give a lot of tantalizing hints. There was also a few WTF moments, and of course Hurley gets in a bit of a dig at Sawyer. Hee-larious.
That is all the TV talking for now.
I will now summon my gang of hot women. I hope this goes better for me than for Dan. Damn Ryan and his summoning skillz. Aight!
*Poof*
Me: Hey! Where are the hot women?
Dustin Hoffman as Tootsie: Over here!
Me: Wha!? Who's that with you?
Tom Hanks and that other guy who was on Newhart but both when they were in "Bosom Buddies": Oh, it's us. All the really great American drag characters.
Cast of To Wong Foo: Yeah, we're awesomely gender-bending.
Me: Uh, this isn't what I imagined. I sure hope not.
Bugs Bunny in a dress: Say, what's up Doc?
Me: This is not babe-alicious.
Me: *bangs head against wall to knock myself out*
Later
Me: Lilly Kane? Laura Palmer?
LK & LP: Yes?
Me: Aren't you both dead?
LK: Yes, but I keep appearing in flashbacks. That's what this is.
Me: Dammit. Wait, but that means somehow, in the past, there were hot babes?
LP: Well, maybe, but maybe you actually killed us.
Me: I don't think I would kill hot babes.
LK: Well, we sure didn't kill ourselves. I mean, look at me, I'm young and hot.
LP: Besides, you are probably hallucinating this whole thing.
Me: Crap. I forgot.
Much later
Me: *Opens one eye slowly to scan room for either hot chicks or men in drag.*
Me: Whew. I'm alone. Well, that's not that much better.
The door opens. In walks Tina Fey and Lisa Loeb.
Me: *pointing at Tina Fey* Hey, you're Lisa Loeb!
Me: *pointing at Lisa Loeb* And you're Tina Fey!
LL: Oops. We must of somehow switched glasses in the dressing room. Here's yours.
Lisa and Tina swap glasses.
Me: Oh. Sorry, I totally was confused there for a minute.
TF: Eh, don't worry. It happens all the time. So, how about hot sex?
Me: Awesome.
LL: She meant just her and me. You can't join because you're not a hot brunette with cool glasses.
Me: Can I at least watch?
TF: I suppose. But at least put on this wig and these glasses.
Tina hands me a wig that looks like it's halfway between their haircuts and a pair of black horn rim glasses.
LL: That's better. Now let's get to it.
Me: But this isn't even my prescription! I can't see anything.
TF: Shut it! That's what we wanted.
Me: *squinting at Tina and Lisa* Awesome....
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