Now With 50% Less Lesbians

The triumphant return of The O.C.: Oakland County Berkley-sty-lee

*Bumpa-dinkdink, bumpa-dinkdink*

Me: Where’s that music coming from?
Me: I see what looks like a studio audience in my front yard. Wait. Why am I narrating this? Shouldn’t there be like, a narrator to describe what’s going on for those who can’t see it.

Narrator/Announcer: Sorry. I was in the bathroom, and then I splashed water on my pants, and then in the process of drying my pants, there was a “thermal event” and yada, yada, yada, I’m going to have to go to Target after this to get new pants.

Me: Wow. That’s odd. That still doesn’t explain the live studio audience on my lawn. Ah! They’re crushing the hostas!

Narrator/Announcer: Little did Mike realize, but the Ellen Degeneres show was being filmed on his front lawn this morning.

Me: [Sarcastically] Well, thanks for telling me that.

N/A: No problem. [Lowering voice according to the National Code of Announcers and DJs] Now let’s welcome Ellen Degeneres!

Me: This is weird. I’ve never even watched the show, although Deadboy Dan has described it to me. Cool. There’s Ellen dancing. And she’s dancing with the crowd now. Hey! Narrator guy! Do your job!

N/A: [Distractedly] Oh, oops, sorry. Mike watched the spectacle unfold. Ellen then began to motion for Mike to come over to her.

Me: Me? [Pointing at myself]

N/A: Ellen continues to motion Mike over towards her. Mike halfheartedly dances over.

Me: Hey! That was more that halfhearted! Maybe three quarters.

N/A: The audience began to tire of the lack of plot/humor in this episode.

Me: Hey, I’m getting to it. Hi, Ellen. What are you doing here?

Ellen: Well, I know you wanted Portia de Rossi, but I’m going to have to do for “Hot Blondes” today.

Me: Wow, that’s crazy. I didn’t even know she was lesbian and that she was dating you until I heard about her getting that tattoo removed when I was listening to the radio this morning. Lesbians are cool.

Ellen: Thanks. I think they’re cool too. So you’ve never watched the show.

Me: Well, I’m always at work when it’s on…

Ellen: Don’t you have TiVo™?

Me: Well it’s not exactly TiVo™. It’s TiVo™ like… wow, that’s cool, Every time I say TiVo™ it puts that little TM symbol next to it.

Ellen: Of course. Do you think we want to get sued?

Me: Oh, that makes sense. What doesn’t make sense is why your whole show is on my lawn.

Ellen: Well, this way you get to see an episode.

Me: Ah. Alrighty then. Who’s the special guest?

Ellen: Sarah Michelle Gellar.

Me: *faints*

N/A: Mike woke up several hours later. The Ellen show was gone and his hostas and daffodils were severely trampled.

Me: What are you still doing here?

N/A: Mike glared sharply at the well appointed Narrator, who despite the fact that he wasn’t wearing pants, could still be called a snappy dresser.

Me: Go!

N/A: Mike should have been pleased that even though he was passed out, Sarah Michelle Gellar had still felt pity for him and kissed him on the cheek.

Me: Whooohooo!

N/A: Join us next week when more “Hot Blondes” do not show up!

Me: Bummer.